Stephen Introduces His Anthony Scaramucci Impression


WELCOME TO THE “LATE SHOW.” IMYOUIM– I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN
COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHO WATCHED THE SHARK THING? I DID. ANY OF YOU GUYS WATCH IT OVER
THERE?>>Jon: I DIDN’T SEE IT.>>Stephen: IT WAS AMAZING. AND IT WASN’T REAL. BUT IT WAS AMAZING. BUT I LIKE A LITTLE BREAK FROM
REALITY RIGHT ABOUT NOW. ‘CAUSE HAVE YOU SEEN REALITY? IT’S SCARY. THERE’S BLOOD IN THE WATER, AND
THERE ARE A LOT OF SHARKS CIRCLING THE WHITE HOUSE. ANYWAY, THEY LIED TO US.>>Jon: OH, OH…>>Stephen: SPEAKING OF LYING,
SEAN SPICER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOOK HOW MUCH THEY MISS YOU, SEAN. ON FRIDAY, SPICER RESIGNED AS
WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE WANTED TO SPEND MORE TIME NOT ANSWERING HIS FAMILY’S
QUESTIONS. ( LAUGHTER )
AND LIKE YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE — I AM GOING TO MISS HIM. EVEN FROM HIS HUMBLE BEGINNINGS
AS THE EASTER BUNNY, WE KNEW HOW SPECIAL SEAN WAS GOING TO BE. SPICER QUIT ON FRIDAY BECAUSE
TRUMP APPOINTED A NEW COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR,
FORMER HEDGE FUND MANAGER AND LAWYER
WHOSE AD IS ABOVE THE URINAL, ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) OF COURSE, WHEN IT COMES TO
SCARAMUCCI, THERE’S ONLY ONE QUESTION EVERYBODY’S ASKING:
>>SCARAMOUCHE! SCARAMOUCHE! WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO!>>STEPHEN: YES. THAT. BY WHICH WE MEAN, WHAT’S IT LIKE
WORKING IN THE WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE?>>THUNDERBOLTS AND LIGHTNING! VERY, VERY FRIGHTENING!>>STEPHEN: SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT. NOW, I THINK THIS IS NOT A GOOD
SIGN FOR THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION. SIX MONTHS IN, YOU’RE ALREADY
ADDING A NEW CRAZY CHARACTER. SCARAMUCCI’S LIKE ADDING SCRAPPY
DOO OR CHACHI. TO HAPPY DAYS. ( LAUGHTER )
HE’S EVEN GOT AN ADORABLE NICKNAME.>>THE MOOCH.>>THE MOOCH.>>THE MOOCH.>>THE MOOCH.>>MOOCH.>>THE MOOCH.>>STEPHEN: “AY, IT’S THE MOOCH! ( LAUGHTER )
HEY BABY, CAN WE GET ANOTHER ROUND FOR THE MOOCH, PLEASE?!”
( LAUGHTER ) SO HOW DID THE REST OF THE STAFF
FEEL ABOUT THE ADDITION OF “THE MOOCH?”
ONE WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL SAID “WE ARE ALL SUPER HAPPY, WELL
MOST OF US ARE.” ( LAUGHTER )
OUCH. THAT’S LIKE GETTING THIS CARD:
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM MOM AND DAD.” “WELL, MOM.” ( LAUGHTER )
>>Jon: WHOA!>>Stephen: BASED ON A TRUE
STORY. ( PIANO RIFF )
NOT ONLY DID SEAN SPICER RESIGN OVER THE MOOCH’S HIRING, BUT A
WHITE HOUSE INSIDER SAYS, “THIS WAS A MURDERING OF REINCE AND
BANNON. THEY SAID ANTHONY WOULD GET THIS
JOB OVER THEIR DEAD BODIES.” THAT’S TERRIBLE. BEFORE THIS, THOSE GUYS WERE
ONLY DEAD ON THE “INSIDE.” ( LAUGHTER )
OTHER WHITE HOUSE STAFFERS REFER TO SCARAMUCCI “AS A ‘JOKE’ AND
AS A TRUMP-WORLD ‘HANGER-ON’ WHO ISN’T QUALIFIED FOR THE JOB.” WAIT. HAVE YOU SEEN THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION? ( LAUGHTER )
THOSE ARE THE QUALIFICATIONS FOR A JOB. I GOT HIS RESUME RIGHT HERE:
“ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI SPECIAL SKILLS: BEING A JOKE, TRUMP
HANGING-ON, AND WHACKING STOOLIES.” ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>Stephen: OH! HEY!>>Jon: HEY, HEY, HEY…>>Stephen: NOW, HOWEVER
SPICER FEELS ABOUT HIM, SCARAMUCCI HANDLED THE
TRANSITION WITH CLASS, STATING:>>I WANT TO THANK PERSONALLY
SEAN SPICER, NOT ONLY ON BEHALF OF MYSELF, THE PRESIDENT, THE
ADMINISTRATION, BUT SEAN IS A TRUE AMERICAN PATRIOT. HE IS A MILITARY SERVICEMAN. HE’S GOT A GREAT FAMILY, AND
HE’S DONE AN AMAZING JOB. THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A DIFFICULT
SITUATION TO BE IN, AND I APPLAUD HIS EFFORTS HERE AND I
LOVE THE GUY AND I WISH HIM WELL. AND I HOPE HE GOES ON TO MAKE A
TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY.>>STEPHEN: “YEAH, LOVE YA
SPICEY. AMAZING JOB. YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE A
TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY WHILE I TAKE YOUR PAYCHECK. NOW TAKE YOUR SHINEBOX AND GET
OUT OF HERE!” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GO ON!>>Jon: I DON’T SHINE SHOES
ANYMORE!>>Stephen: HEY! THIS SUNDAY, THE MOOCH HIT THE
GROUND RUNNING WITH SOME GREAT IDEAS FOR PRESS SECRETARY AND
SORORITY GIRL AT RAVE PARTY WHO’S ECSTASY JUST KICKED IN
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS.>>I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING I CAN
TO MAKE HER BETTER AT THAT PODIUM, I THINK SHE’S PHENOMENAL
THERE NOW, BUT LIKE EVERY ATHLETE TRAINING FOR THE
OLYMPICS EVERY DAY WE GOT TO MAKE OURSELVES INCREMENTALLY
BETTER. THE ONLY THING I’D ASK SARAH,
SARAH, IF YOU’RE WATCHING, I LOVE THE HAIR AND MAKE-UP PERSON
THAT WE HAD ON FRIDAY, I WOULD LOVE TO CONTINUE TO USE THE HAIR
AND MAKE-UP PERSON. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>>STEPHEN: OH, HE’S GOING TO FIT IN WITH THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION JUST FINE ( APPLAUSE )
HEY! AND YOU COULD SMILE MORE. WOULD THAT HURT SO MUCH? YOU’RE SO PRETTY WHEN YOU SMILE. ( LAUGHTER )
SCARAMUCCI TRIED TO EXPLAIN HIS COMMENT LATER, SAYING, “FOR THE
RECORD, I WAS REFERRING TO MY HAIR AND MAKE UP AND THE FACT
THAT I LIKE THE MAKE UP ARTIST. I NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET! #HUMOR.” ( LAUGHTER )
ALL RIGHT, TAKE A JOKE, LADIES. THE MOOCH IS CLEARLY QUALIFIED
FOR THIS JOB AND I’M SURE HE’LL DO GREAT THINGS. #SARCASM. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
‘CAUSE THE MOOCH IS ALREADY BATTING DOWN THESE RIDICULOUS
RUSSIA INVESTIGATIONS:>>YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY SAID TO ME
YESTERDAY, I WON’T TELL YOU WHO, THAT IF THE RUSSIANS ACTUALLY
HACKED THIS SITUATION AND SPILLED OUT THOSE E-MAILS, YOU
WOULD HAVE NEVER SEEN IT. YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER HAD ANY
EVIDENCE OF THEM.>>YOU’RE MAKING A LOT OF
ASSERTIONS HERE. I DON’T KNOW WHO THIS ANONYMOUS
PERSON IS THAT SAID, IF THE RUSSIANS HAD ACTUALLY DONE IT,
WE WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DETECT IT, BUT IT IS THE
UNANIMOUS.>>HOW ABOUT IT WAS– HOW
ABOUT IT WAS THE PRESIDENT, JAKE?>>OKAY —
( LAUGHTER )>>Stephen: SO THE PRESIDENT
IS THE ONE WHO TOLD YOU THE PRESIDENT’S NOT IN TROUBLE? ( LAUGHTER )
AND YOU’RE NOT GOING TO TELL US BECAUSE IT’S ANONYMOUS SOURCE
BUT WE ASK AND YOU TELL US ANYWAY? WHY ARE WE WASTING THAT GUY ON
COMMUNICATIONS– HE SHOULD BE HEAD OF NATIONAL SECURITY. “I’LL NEVER TELL YOU OUR LAUNCH
CODES. HOW ABOUT THREE, SEVEN, NINE,
SIX, TWO? OKAY? THAT’S FROM THE MOOCH. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BABY, CAN WE GET ANOTHER ROUND, PLEASE? I HAVE BEEN WAITING. WHAT’S IT TAKE? CAN WE GET SOME BOTTLE SERVICE
TO THIS TABLE OR WHAT? ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S A SURPRISING THAT TRUMP WOULD HIRE THE MOOCH BECAUSE
LOOK WHAT HE SAID ABOUT TRUMP DURING THE PRIMARIES:
>>YOU’RE CALLING DONALD TRUMP A HACK POLITICIAN?>>HE’S A HACK POLITICIAN. I DON’T LIKE THE WAY HE TALKS
ABOUT WOMEN. I DON’T LIKE THE WAY HE TALKS
ABOUT OUR FRIEND, MEGYN KELLY. AND, YOU KNOW WHAT? THE POLITICIANS DON’T WANT TO GO
AFTER TRUMP BECAUSE HE’S GOT A BIG MOUTH, AND THEY’RE AFRAID
HE’S GONNA LIGHT ‘EM UP ON FOX NEWS AND ALL THE OTHER PLACES. BUT I’M NOT A POLITICIAN. BRING IT. YOU’RE AN INHERITED MONEY DUDE
FROM QUEENS COUNTY. BRING IT, DONALD.>>Stephen: YEAH, BRING IT,
DONALD, SPECIFICALLY THOSE SWEET BUTT CHEEKS BECAUSE THE MOOCH IS
READY TO SMOOCH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY? AND IN 2016, SCARAMUCCI ALSO
WROTE A SCATHING OP-ED FOR FOX BUSINESS. AND ALTHOUGH HE NEVER MENTIONS
TRUMP BY NAME, HE SAYS, “WE ARE IN THE MIDST OF AN IDEOLOGICAL
CIVIL WAR, ONE PITTING AMERICAN VALUES OF HOPE, EMPOWERMENT AND
SELF-RELIANCE AGAINST DEFEATIST ATTITUDES OF FEAR, ENTITLEMENT
AND VICTIMIZATION.” AND, NOW, HE GETS TO WORK RIGHT
DOWN THE HALL FROM FEAR, ENTITLEMENT, AND VICTIMIZATION. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.>>Jon: HEY, HEY, HEY! PERSONIFIED! PERSONIFIED! PERSONIFIED! ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: SCARAMUCCI ALSO SPENT THE
WEEKEND DELETING EMBARRASSING, ANTI-TRUMP TWEETS, BUT HE HAS A
LOT OF INTERESTING OLD TWEETS LEFT, LIKE THIS ONE THAT READS,
“DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING. SING LIKE NO ONE IS LISTENING. LOVE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN HURT
AND LIVE LIKE ITS HEAVEN ON EARTH.– MARK TWAIN.” ( LAUGHTER )
I’M NOT SURE IF I NEED TO POINT OUT, THAT’S NOT A MARK TWAIN
QUOTE. ( LAUGHTER )
ALTHOUGH IT DOES REMIND ME OF THAT OTHER FAMOUS MARK TWAIN
QUOTE, “HEY, NOW YOU’RE AN ALL-STAR, GET YOUR GAME ON, GO
PLAY.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO INSPIRING. SO, SO — THAT’S FROM
HUCKELBERRY SMASH MOUTH, I THINK. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT ACCORDING TO THE MOOCH THE PRESIDENT CAN DO JUST ABOUT
ANYTHING.>>I’VE SEEN THIS GUY THROW A
DEAD SPIRAL THROUGH A TIRE. I’VE SEEN HIM AT MADISON SQUARE
GARDEN WITH A TOPCOAT ON, HE’S STANDING IN THE KEY AND HE’S
HITTING FOUL SHOTS AND SWISHING THEM. HE SINKS THREE-FOOT PUTTS.>>STEPHEN: “YEAH, I SAW HIM WIN
A GAME OF CONNECT FOUR WITH JUST THREE PIECES. ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY?>>Jon: I SEEN HIM DO ALL KIND
OF STUFF.>>Stephen: I ONCE SAW THIS
GUY, HE’S ON THE GREEN, OBSERVE, PEBBLE BEACH,
I SAW HIM HIT A HOLE IN ‘NONE. ( LAUGHTER )
I ONCE SAW HIM EAT A FULL TACO BOWL AND THEN JUMP STRAIGHT INTO
THE POOL– NO CRAMPS! ( LAUGHTER )
I MEAN, THIS MAN IS A PRIMO ATHLETE, I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT
HIM! LOOK AT THAT GUY! OH! THE MOOCH LIKES WHAT HE SEES. IT’S SMOOCHING TIME!”
( LAUGHTER ) WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. PAUL BETTANY IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, CAN JARED
— CAN DONALD TRUMP PARDON HIMSELF? INQUIRING COMMITTEES WANT TO
KNOW. STICK AROUND!

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